The Bees and the Bees
by HugsandBugsSmileyface
Summary: Gerald decides that it's time to have "The Talk" with his son Kyle. "It's time we talk about the birds in the bees. Or, in this case, since you're gay, the bees and the bees." Rated T. One-shot. Hinted Style.


A/N: A very funny video inspired this.

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park

...

"Son, can you come in here for a second?" came the voice of Gerald Broflovski. He was currently sitting in the living room, waiting for his oldest son Kyle to join him. Gerald was fidgeting very nervously, not wanting to do what he was about to do, but, as a concerned parent of a teenager, it was his duty to do so.

"What's up?" Kyle asked, coming into the room.

"Well...son, I know that it's Valentine's Day...and I noticed how lonely you were, so...I think that it's time that we...had a little talk." Gerald said.

Kyle raised an eyebrow at his father. "Talk." he deadpanned.

"Yes, talk." Gerald said, patting a spot for his son to sit down at. Kyle reluctantly came over and sat near his father. Kyle crossed his legs two or three times before deciding to speak.

"I thought you wanted to talk." Kyle said to his father, whom had called him over, but had yet to start talking.

Gerald nodded. "Yeah. I did. I do. But...topics like this are hard to start off."

Kyle looked at his father oddly, but nodded. "Go on."

"Well, Kyle. You're 14 now...and...there comes a time in every man's life that..." Gerald started to say, but Kyle cut him off.

"Wait. You mean that you want to have "The Talk" talk?" Kyle asked, looking at his father, albeit a bit horrified.

Gerald sunk a little lower into his seat. "Yeah. But...I'm not really sure how to start this kind of a conversation. Okay, so...Girls are like birds...and guys are like bees, so um..." he muttered.

Kyle blanched.

"Dad...It's okay. If this makes you uncomfortable...we can skip this conversation."

"No. No, Kyle we CAN'T skip this conversation. It's going to be awkward and long and I'm going to ramble, but you're just going to have to put up with it." Gerald sighed.

"Kyle...sex is an important part of being human. It involves more than the physical act of intercourse with another person. It affects how we feel about ourselves as males and it impacts important choices that we make as men. Women are...well...they're vixens, Kyle there's no getting around it, and...when men are around them, they get...stupid. There, I said it. We get really, really stupid."

Kyle's face was as red as his hair. "Dad...I don't..."

"And...well...women are soft, Kyle. You have to respect them if you want them to respect you. You can't go treating them roughly. They cook and they clean and they're smarter than you or I will ever be. You always have to treat women with respect. You never lay a hand on a woman unless it's in a gentle way, do you understand?" he asked.

Kyle nodded, and tried to speak. "But dad..."

"Now, no buts Kyle. We need to talk about this. So...You obviously are familiar with the male anatomy since you ARE male, but how much about the female anatomy do you know?" Gerald asked.

Kyle sighed. "I really don't think that I need to know about-"

"Kyle, this is important." Gerald interrupted. "You can't just not know. Okay, so females have what's called a vagina, as I'm sure you probably already know. Well, they have what's known as a womb inside of that vagina and...and they have some kind of tubes or something that has eggs inside them and...and once a month and egg is released and goes to the womb...where if a man and a woman have sex then, she gets pregnant. Do you understand what I'm saying, Kyle?" Gerald asked.

Kyle raised an eyebrow. Did his dad even know enough to try to teach him about it? However, Kyle just nodded, blushing more than he probably ever had.

"Now what I'm saying, Kyle, is that you need to be careful when you are with girls. Do you know about condoms, Kyle? What they're used for?" Gerald asked.

Kyle nodded. "For preventing STDs and pregnancy." he said, blushing a bit more, if that was even possible.

"Exactly right. STDs are very serious, Kyle, and very real. If you are going to be sexually active, as I'm sure you will be, because you are a teenager, will you please just give me peace of mind to know that you are smart enough to use condoms?" Gerald asked, placing a hand on his son's shoulder.

Kyle looked anywhere but at his father. "Sure."

"Good. Because Kyle, it's not just STDs, you know. There are other issues, such as pregnancy." he explained.

"Dad, I don't think that I have to worry about that." he said.

"Well of course YOU don't, you're a boy. But I'm talking about any girl you might be with in the future. You don't want to get her in trouble. Condoms help prevent pregnancy. I don't want to become a grandpa too young, now."

Kyle winced, unsure how to say his next few words. "Dad, I REALLY don't have to worry about that."

"So you think. Pregnancy is a very real issue, Kyle. It shouldn't just be written off like that. When you decide that you're ready, make sure that she is on the pill and that you have protection yourself. Also, make sure that you love her. Sex needs meaning for it to actually mean something, all the girls I was with before your mom didn't mean anything afterwards and it leaves you feeling cheap and dirty." Gerald told him.

Kyle looked at his father strangely. What had he done before he'd met Mom? Kyle wondered.

"Dad...This really doesn't apply to me."

"Kyle, girls are..."

"I don't like girls."

"Well...you're only 14, you have plenty of time. I'm not trying to rush you or anything by talking to you, it's just that..."

"Dad, I'm gay!" There. He'd said it.

Gerald's eyes went a bit wide. "Oh...um...well...then...um...I guess then...I guess we CAN omit the pregnancy part." he muttered.

Kyle sighed. "Can we stop talking about this, please?"

Gerald looked at his son, who was as red as a tomato, and nodded.

"I guess we can stop the birds and the bees talk." he amended.

Kyle let out a breath. "THANK you."

"Do you...have a boyfriend?" his father asked.

Kyle's face flushed, but nodded. "Stan." he muttered.

Needless to say, Gerald was shocked, but continued on.

"It's time we had talked about the birds and the bees, but, in this case, since you're gay, we should talk about the bees and the bees." Gerald amended, nodding his head.

"DAD!" Kyle hid his face.

"Okay...well...the bees have these little stingers that sting people with, but when two bees get together, they...sting each other with...their stingers and..."

"..." Kyle was mortified.

"...okay. I'm done."

"Thanks, Dad." Kyle rolled his eyes and quickly ran upstairs to call Stan.

"Dude, you're not going to believe this.."

...

A/N: LOL. I'm tired, guys. Going to bed now. REVIEW!


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